With a tip of the hat to Dave Barry...
January: The Food Police declare that food is carcinogenic and urge people to eat cigarettes.
February: Valentine's Day candies are banned by Iran and North Korea.
March: “Chile” is the most tweeted word in Argentina. Chile responds by recalling its Food Ambassador.
April: In honor of Rachael Ray, April Fool's Day is extended to a week.
May: A resurgent Tang outsells Budweiser.
June: Low-fat wedding cakes are introduced by Weight Watchers.
July: Congress declares pork barbecue as the official food of Independence Day, ousting hot dogs.
August: To avert bankruptcy, the state of California levies a property tax on vineyards in Oregon.
September: The “Top Chef” Chef of the Year is awarded to the late Colonel Sanders.
October: The Food Police order that Halloween candies be replaced by toasted pumpkin seeds.
November: “Turkey” is the most tweeted word in Greece. In retaliation, the Greek parliament suspends grease shipments to Turkey.
December: Spam sales rocket for Christmas after a vaccine is developed for swine flu.