by Melissa T. StockLet me make it clear from the beginning, that this column is not for the faint of heart. In fact, if you are easily offended, and don’t find Bart Simpson even the slightest bit funny, I suggest you turn the page immediately. My sneaking suspicion is that most of you are still with me. After all, a good sense of humor is pretty much a prerequisite for being a part of an industry that some would describe as the Jekyll and Hyde of tasteful and tasteless. Where else can you find companies who market products with names like Ass in the Tub, Screaming Sphincter, Rectal Rocket Fuel, or the ever popular Ass Kickin’, Candy Ass and Slap My Ass and Call Me Sally hot sauces? What other savvy marketeers will tell their customer, without a blink of an eye that yes, their Flamin’ Anus hot sauce tastes good, too? Have I sufficiently raised your curiosity about the subject I am about to discuss? Are you wondering what in the world could deserve such a build up, especially after Bill, Monica and cigars? Having obviously reached the pinnacle of my career as a journalist, my assignment today is to investigate the butt. That’s right, all those wacky products which describe mainly the after effects of a little too much hot sauce. For years I have watched the popularity of products like Hot Buns At The Beach, Ring of Fire and Ass In Space grow at warp speed. In fact, just for fun, we keep a running list of Butt product names at the Fiery Foods offices (we DO think Bart Simpson is funny) and that list has close to one hundred product names on it-- and I am certain that we are missing more than a few. The question is, have we all lost our minds and gone crazy? Is the world turning into one giant fart joke? Not knowing the answers to these and other burning questions, I went directly to the experts for guidance. I consulted Renate and Harald Zoschke, who are hot sauce manufacturers and owners of Peppers on the Pier, a retail hot shop in St. Petersburg, Florida. According to Renate, marketing a Butt product is indeed crazy--crazy like a fox. Like the cultured and reasonable people they are, Renate and Harald first created a line of products with names like Belligerent Blaze. However, their shop was the perfect place to do a little market research, and over and over the Zoschkes watched the Butt products fly off the shelf. "These products sell well to perfectly sane-looking people," said Renate. And those customers aren’t just men; women buy lots of the Butt products as gifts (presumably for their own special ass at home). "We put all of the funny labeled bottles in the shop window, and it gets so many people laughing and giggling, and then they come in and buy stuff," said Renate. However, opinions on the products vary widely, she said. " There are those who do believe products like Screaming Sphincter cross the line, and then there are those who don’t even know what a sphincter is." Being good entrepreneurs, Harald and Renate realized that they needed to get in on the Butt bonanza. So they decided to create a second label for their Belligerent Blaze Hot Sauce, and call it Butt Twister. According to Renate, Butt Twister, which is the same hot sauce, in the same bottle, out-sells Belligerent Blaze 2 to 1. Am I suggesting that every manufacturer start dreaming up a new Butt product? Absolutely not. However, I believe the er-- bottom line on the matter is that the mixture of the high-end and the low-end products available in our industry makes us unique, fun and smart. Frankly, I hope hot sauce will be the 40-year-old guys’ answer to the Beanie Baby. Imagine a world where hot sauces were numbered and saved and came with a value list. For those who still maintain they don’t find all this butt, ass and anus stuff too funny, I say tell them Who Gives A Rat’s Ass; we’ll be too busy laughing all the way to the bank. Top of Page
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