Extreme Hot & Spicy: Today’s
Hot Sauces Unlike Those of Yesteryear

by Larry W. Greenly

Once upon a time, back in the olden days when cars had enormous fins and approximated the size of aircraft carriers, "hot" meant Tabasco. Back then, Tabasco was considered a slightly dangerous substance to be used very cautiously so it wouldn’t inflame the senses. Assuming ten years per bottle, you could even estimate how long someone had been married by how much was left in their bottle on the refrigerator door.

Well, those days are gone, bucko. Nowadays, hot stuff is mainstream and everyone uses hot sauces on just about everything. Chileheads collect assorted pungent pepper preparations like oenophiles amassing a wine cellar. And chile purveyors gladly oblige them with an almost infinite variety of products like these exhibited at the 2002 National Fiery-Foods & Barbecue Show in Albuquerque.

A genuine, certified Cajun producer, Hongry Hawg, brought Louisiana’s top-selling specialty pepper sauce to the show—a Cayenne sauce aptly named Bayou Butt Burner. Once upon a time, Hongry Hawg brewed a variation of Butt Burner with habaneros and called it Bayou Viagra. Unfortunately, that did not amuse a certain large pharmaceutical company, which unleashed some hungry lawyers on Hongry Hawg. So now it’s called Bayou Love Potion.

Even though Hongry Hawg can’t allude to the V**gra name anymore, they recently unveiled Bayou Pecker Power, a Caribbean-style pepper sauce with "Quality you can hang your hat on." You can test the tumescent powers of Hongry Hawg Products by ordering them from www.cajunsauce.com.

But if you’re one of those naughty people who thinks "A little Butt Rub makes everything better," you might be interested in Bad Byron Chism’s products. A CIA graduate chef, Bad Byron is obsessed with rubbing every pork butt with his prize-winning Butt Rub, an all-purpose dry seasoning with chipotle.

Favored by grill enthusiasts, some Butt Rub fanatics even complain they are hopelessly addicted. You may not be able to get Butt Rubs at your local massage parlor, but you can always get one at www.buttrub.com...no buts about it.

PorkRubbers might conjure up some fascinating images, but fuggetaboutit! MaryEllen VanPetten, a Scovie Award winner and owner of PorkRubbers BBQ Specialty Products, makes PorkRubbers—which are really sweet rubs and barbecue sauces conjured up to satisfy her loyal following.

If you think you might like to use a PorkRubber, try Mary’s Cherry Rub and "Just Rub it in." You’ll find it’s "Sweet to Eat" and has a smoky cherry flavor. Rather not do it dry? Then lube your meat with one of her PorkRubbers BBQ Sauces in original, pineapple/teriyaki, or raspberry flavors.

Mary has considered slipping protective devices over each bottle. But will she practice safe sauce or not? There’s the rub. Find out at porkrubbersbbq@prodigy.net (e-mail).

Unfortunately, Flaming Dix would probably melt those protective devices. Steve Dixon, owner of Flaming Dix has concocted a line of extraordinary salsas in Santa Fe, New Mexico. His "Salsa Different from the City Different" really is different, containing both New Mexican red chiles and beer wort from a local micro-brewery. It makes sense—if you had Flaming Dix, you’d probably want some beer, too. If you think you can handle Flaming Dix, contact Steve at flamingdix@earthlink.net.

Hard liquor your painkiller of choice? Kentucky’s Shane Best has just the ticket for you: a flask of Pappy’s XXX White Lightnin’. "It’s all the love you’ll ever need!" Pappy’s is the best of the Best products that incorporate the flavor enhancers, Worcestershire and Kentucky bourbon. According to the Pappy boss man, you get your money’s worth with his best-selling Pappy’s. Each nip of White Lightnin’ lasts about two seconds, starting with sweetness, moving through onion, garlic, and Worcestershire, followed by habanero, and ending with a flash of southern moonshine. Hooeee! Will you have a hangover the next morning or need an asbestos implant—or both? Find out at www.bourbonq.com.

If you like to tie one on, why not Thai Juan On? It’s Gecko Gary’s latest gourmet sauce containing a yin/yang blend of Thai peppers, habaneros, red jalapeņos, and a splash of soy sauce, lime juice, and curry spices. Gecko Gary says that some cultures consider geckos to be good luck, which must be true—his products have won multiple awards, including a number of Scovies.

While selling her products, Mrs. Gecko wore a bikini (instead of her usual gecko outfit) in the chilly exhibition hall at the 2002 show. Rumor has it she kept warm by occasionally taking an wee nip of Thai Juan On. Supposedly, even Eskimos warm their noses and other parts by nipping on Gecko Gary products. See www.geckogarys.com.

The steely-eyed and victorious Cattle Boyz rode into the 2002 show displaying three Scovie Awards. No, we’re not talkin’ rodeo riders or gunslingers here; Cattle Boyz is a Gourmet BBQ Sauce that hails from Canada. Cattle Boyz Joe Ternes and his family have raised cattle in Alberta for most of the last century, so they probably know a bit about bovine cooking. Back in the blizzard of ‘90 or thereabouts, Joe developed a BBQ sauce totally different from the other sauces on the market. He started selling it through his Calgary butcher shop, where it soon became a best seller and multiple award winner.

Cattle Boyz is a bit thinner than most sauces, which actually makes it more useful as either a marinade or glaze. It has no smoke flavoring because its rich mahogany flavor really doesn’t need any. And best of all, it doesn’t burn and turn black like those other sauces when it’s cooked on a hot grill or over a campfire. A multi-purpose sauce, it can be used on any kind of meat, or even vegetarian items such as baked beans or spaghetti sauce. Four out of five cows recommend Cattle Boyz. You can lasso some at www.cattleboyzsauce.com.

By now, you’re hungry and wondering about Voodoo. Fortunately, to answer all your voodoo questions, Miss Cleo is no longer involved in mystic prognostication, but the friendly purveyors at the Voodoo Spice Company are always eager to substitute a short history lesson like the one below.

Voodoo’s "Big Daddy" grew up during the great depression, enlisted in the Coast Guard at age fifteen, and wound up stationed in the Philippines. He lived with a tribe of headhunters who taught him arcane secrets, including the magic power of chile peppers. Later, while exploring the Arctic, he also discovered the secret of flavor in food, the secret of the universe, the secret of everything else—yada, yada, yada. Luckily for the eating public, Big Daddy finally consolidated his mystic knowledge during retirement in a mental hospital where he developed the world’s best hot sauce, Big Daddy’s Arctic Heat. Some authorities think this sauce might be the primary source of global warming. The preceding is the gospel truth (knock on wood). And if you really need a spell of gen-u-wine voodoo, contact the Voodoo Spice Company in mystical Mystic, Connecticut at www.voodoospiceco.com.

Okay, capsaicin connoisseur or collector, let’s talk heat— real heat, thermonuclear heat—specifically, Blair Lazar’s 5AM Special Edition heat, which measures a scorching six million Scoville units. His Special Edition hot sauce, a collector’s item that comes in a 2.5 ounce flask, is safely sealed with molten wax and topped with a human skull. Even though it’s $100 a bottle, Blair says chilehead fanatics frequently buy two—one to use, the other for display.

Blair says, "If you survive, you’ll feel alive." So if you can look death in the face and laugh, go ahead and order the special edition; if you can’t, order one of the other death sauces from Blair’s Death Sauces & Snacks at www.deathsauce.com.

If you want to brave the dangers of the hottest hot sauce in the universe and elsewhere, come to the Source. The Source Hot Sauce from Original Juan is in a 1-ounce bottle that’s safely double-sealed in a slipcover box. Read the disclaimer before breaking the seal because once broken, you’ve agreed to use the sauce at your own peril. You also have to be at least 21 years old to buy the Source, but at least there’s no Brady background check or waiting period. All you need is about $100.

Why all the precautions? At 7.1 million Scoville Units, the Source Hot Sauce is being studied by the Federation as a tasty replacement for warp engine dilithium crystals. Power your own nuclear starship with The Source, showcase it and brag about it, or buy any of a hundred less dangerous specialty foods from Original Juan at www.originaljuan.com

And now for something completely different. Beans. Yeah, yeah, beans aren’t hot, but chiles and beans have been sympatico for millennia and Indians have raised beans on the Colorado Plateau for more than a thousand years. Coincidentally, that happens to be where Mike Coffey of Dove Creek Bean Company lives and farms.

Mike keeps bean tradition alive by growing all sorts of heirloom and antique beans, including both ancient and contemporary tribal varieties. Try the Anasazi or Zuni Gold. Yum! You can sample some of Mike’s musical fruit by calling the human bean himself at (970) 677-2445. Maybe you’ll play Indian tunes that haven’t been heard for a thousand years.

We close this review with superhot, x-rated sauces from The Gifted Cowboy. (You may want the kids to leave the room before you read further.) The Gifted Cowboy line features very graphic labels. One of their least risque sauces, Hard On Hot Sauce, reads "Want something searing? Slather this on your hot dog, meat or other tasty treat." Unfortunately, to describe most of the other sauce labels would require inserting too many asterisks.

Sweet Revenge: Sunset Thomas     Likes Bunnies: "Gifted Cowboy" Bernie

What makes Gifted Cowboy one-of-a-kind is its business relationship with Nevada’s legal brothels. Each month a working gal from the Bunny Ranch or the Kit Kat Guest Ranch is immortalized on bottles of Gifted Cowboy hot sauce. For example, the March 2002 bottle, Sunset’s Sweet Revenge, features Sunset Thomas—a Penthouse Centerfold, "Princess of Porn," and the "Queen of Bunny Ranch." Sunset just happened to make a personal appearance at the show, autographing her hot sauce for a long line of admirers who all said they bought the bottles just for the sauce inside. Uh, huh. Remember, if you’re too shy or impecunious to visit Sunset, you can at least afford her hot sauce (and others’) at www.sexsauce.net.

Top of Page

Photos by Harald Zoschke