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Peppered Personalities–A Continuing Series
by Dave DeWitt
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After Kinky Friedman was invited to spend the night at the White House, he emailed President Bush: "I have four women, four editors, and four dogs. Can I bring them all?"
"Just the dogs," replied George W.
What does this have to do with salsa? It’s quite a story, so bear with me. First, some background. Richard "Kinky" Friedman is a legend in his own mind, a Texas musician who, with his group the Texas Jewboys, has recorded and performed such songs as "Homo Erectus" and "They Ain’t Makin’ Jews Like Jesus Anymore." A friend of Willy Nelson and Laura Bush, Kinky has such a reputation in Texas that he has been able to switch gears from music to the written word. Not only does he have a regular column in Texas Monthly, he has written seventeen mystery novels starring himself as an amateur detective–with titles like Roadkill, Armadillos and Old Lace, The Love Song of J. Edgar Hoover, and Elvis, Jesus & Coca Cola. His latest bestseller, which does not star himself, is Kill Two Birds and Get Stoned (William Morrow, 2003). He is so prolific because he leads an "empty, lonely life."
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Kinky's
latest Bestseller
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What does this have to do with salsa? Keep reading because I asked Kinky the same question. "My new career as a salsa magnate began with a three-legged kitten named Lucky who needed rescuing," he told me. It turns out that Kinky’s heart is as soft as his brain, and the saving of Lucky ("she’s single pawedly killed two rattlesnakes!"), plus 58 dogs, more cats, pigs, donkeys, goats, and turkeys led to the establishment of the Utopia Animal Rescue Ranch near Medina ("Texas, not Saudi Arabia"), which is, as Kinky puts it: "a never-kill sanctuary for abused or stray animals, one of whom happens to be me."
What does this have to do with salsa? Okay, okay, I’ll cut to the quick. The rescue ranch needs funding. Texans love salsa. Kinky admires Paul Newman, so, taking a page from Paul’s book, Kinky launched his third career with Kinky Friedman’s Private Stock salsas, plus a Kinky Friedman’s Kosher Coffee ("imported from Texas") and Don Kinkyoni’s Italian Spaghetti Sauce. "Hot and spicy stuff is good for you," he told me, adding that eating salsa is the only healthy thing he does other than smoke cigars.
Kinky Friedman’s Private Stock salsas include Politically Correct, Black Hat Edition, Lucky’s Lone Star Caviar, and Pickin’ and Grinnin’ Peach Salsa. According to Kinky, the salsas are made "in a secret underground lab near Georgetown by a man who fiercely protects the recipe and very much resembles a mad scientist." The distribution of the salsas is handled by Gerry Agiewich of the Truly Texas Lone Star Ranch, and they are now in all the major supermarkets in Texas, including Randall’s, H-E-B, Kroger, and Central Market. All of Kinky’s profits go to "Alfred Hitchcock, a rooster who crows at noon; to three donkeys named Roy, Gabby, and Little Jewford; to a dog named Daisy who was found as a puppy alone in a field of daisies; to a dog named Cat, who was sent to the pound for the crime of eating a Social Security check; and to 57 other dogs who each have a story, if only they could tell you."
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Kinky remarks that Newman’s Own products are reported to have earned a lot more than Paul ever made in the movies, and if than happens to him, "I’ll probably be kicking my own buttocks halfway across Texas regretting that I didn’t cut myself a better deal," he says in jest. He’s been assisted in his rescue efforts by Laura Bush, who hosted a luncheon for the ranch in 2002. That luncheon eventually led to the invitation to visit the White House, which Kinky accepted without bringing the women, editors, or the dogs. "I didn’t sleep in the Lincoln bedroom," Kinky told me, but I did give George W. a Cuban cigar. He looked shocked, but I told him that we weren’t supporting the Cuban economy, we were burning their fields. George W. smoked the cigar."
Of course, Kinky is extremely politically incorrect. Once, he ran for the position of Justice of the Peace in Kerrville and his slogan was "If you elect me the first Jewish JP of Kerrville, I’ll reduce the speed limit to 54.95." He lost the election. And then there was the time he wrote an anti-hunting piece for Texas Monthly that resulted in the most hate mail and canceled subscriptions in the history of the magazine. But the publisher didn’t fire him, saying that the publicity was worth it.
These days, Kinky does very little performing, choosing his gigs when he gets to travel to places like Australia and the U.K. Although he claims to have no movie ambitions like Paul Newman had, he admitted to me that Billy Bob Thornton is reading a script of one of his mysteries he would like made into a film.
"And who would play Kinky Friedman in the movie?" I asked him.
"Lionel Richie," he replied.
Resources
Although Kinky maintains that the Internet is "a work of Satan," he has yielded to the pressure of publicity.
To read more about Kinky and become Honorary Texas Jewboy to support the Rescue Ranch, log on to www.kinkyfriedman.com
To order Kinky’s Private Stock salsas and support the Rescue Ranch, visit www.kinkysprivatestock.com
To visit the Utopia Animal Rescue Ranch, go to www.utopiarescue.com
Peppered Personality last time: Bob Harris ("Hot Sauce Harry")
Kinky
Friedman
